You Know What Really Grinds My Gears Pt.2

And now, it’s time for anothe edition of… you guessed it! Once again, our host Peter Griphin will not be joining us tonight. He’s in North Korea for his aunt’s funeral – indefinitely. Sitting in for him is the always illustrious Hiram Webb.

You know what really grinds my gears? The skier-snowboarder wars. Like really? Are you serious? You’re really going to make fun of your cousin whom you otherwise love dearly, simply because he straps one birch to his feet instead of two? I mean the practicalities are obvious, and I agree that there needs to be some further research into the matter, but is all the drama on the ski hill really worth it? And there’s another point. They haven’t started calling them snowboarding hills yet. Mister, that kid you’re picking on for the sole reason that he’s different… yeah, you’re on his turf.

But sking is sorta like going to a rich person’s home and actually using both the forks they set out for you. Okay, either your motor skills are nill, or you’re just waaayyyy too happy because you don’t have to wash the dishes. Anyway, whatever the reason, I think we can all agree that skiers are living in excess. Mind you, on the other hand, snowboarding is a little like riding a unicycle or walking up staris when the elevator was empty, or making the bed when you won’t be back in the bedroom until night when you’ll mess it up again. Like seriously man, you’re trying so hard, and nobody’s even watching you! There are so many easier ways to get down a hill. Doing something hard is kool. Doing something hard when there’s an easire way is not.

So clearly, as evidenced by my original statement, I think it’s clear that skiers and snowboarders can never be friends, and that they must stage an epic battle on the snowy slopes until one of them overcomes the other and a definite victor is decided. Then the loosers should have their mode of transportation removed and burned in a victory bond fire. I feel this will be the only way to bring peace and enrich our society.

You Know What Really Grinds my Gears pt.1

And now it’s time for another episode of ‘you know what really grinds my gears’ with Peter Griphin. Sitting in for Peter, during his time in the hospital, is the well educated Hiram Webb.
You know what really grinds my gears? Critics. Now this is a bit of irony for me, since this segment probably falls under the criteria of criticism. But specifically I’m referring to the type of critics that end up on the cover of movies to rave about how good they are. First of all, nobody knows what the heck “insert popular American city + insert variation of verb indicating news or university” is, if in fact it even exists. Probably it doesn’t. And “five thumbs up, stunning, timeless masterpiece” isn’t criticism. Actually, it’s closer to propaganda. “this sucked” or “script is juvenile” would be criticism. Just once I’d like to see a movie with a two star rating on the cover.
Imagine a world where movies displayed the tomatometer or an IMDB rating on the front cover. No wait, they’d never go for that. In fact, I think this entire rant is paramount to beatin a dead horse. I guess if there’s one thing I hope to accomplish it’s that the next time you pick up your favorite movie you notice the flagrant words of the ‘critics’ and have a good laugh.